Sitting at Grandmas house at Thanksgiving. I’m in a room of I count 34 people. Yet no one over the age of 18 is here single or without a significant other. I can’t help feel so left out and alone. I feel unreal, like I’m not a person because of autism. Also because I want to have sex, touch and connect with a woman, but I can’t.
For me intimacy and sexuality define autism or I should say the lack of intimacy and sexuality. Peter Gerhardt teaches context is king. This means that I will always struggle understanding context in social situations. This makes it so hard to even get a relationship started. It pains me to realize that counseling nor the autism waiver or any autism services that I receive actually want to help me with social skills or dating. I believe that sex, intimacy and sexuality will help me become a real person, make me feel whole, like everyone else. I long to be close to a woman. To love her and her love me back. I feel desperate to be to close to her that there are no barriers. I long to be able to be so close I can touch her unclothed breasts. This is all I can think about.
One thing I’ve learned about dating and sexuality is that in order to date a woman you have to be a good friend first. In order to be a good friend to a woman it helps to have good social skills and be sexually attractive. Having autism pretty much makes the social skills part impossible. What makes it even more impossible and frustrating is that the autism services don’t even want to focus on sex or sexuality or intimacy at all. They just won’t help me.
I sit here watching the couples talk and everyone having such a real life and then here’s me with this fake life because I’m not connected to a woman in an intimate way. I so long to be touching a woman’s skin and to be connected to her.
Peter taught me that context is king. I feel like a bad person and a failure because of my lack of social graces. I think women think I’m a bad friend because I’m not sexually attractive to them. Further, if context is king, that means I’m a bad friend to guys as well. But even deeper if being able to understand social context is king that also means I’m a bad son, a bad uncle; a bad cousin, a bad nephew, and a bad grandson.
I feel like a fake person and a bad person all around for not having the skills I need to connect with a woman. These thoughts of wanting to connect in all ways to a woman consume me. I think about it all the time. But my therapist won’t help. It’s so frustrating. Most people think I should just be asexual somehow, just forget this want that is so big inside me it feels like a critical need.
It’s like my counselors, therapist, and even my family think I’m not a real person. It’s like I’m supposed to just not have this want, this need that most people have and are able to fulfill. I’m not a machine. I can’t switch off this intense desire.
I know I’m not the only Aspie to struggle with this. Yet even insurance companies won’t cover any therapy or treatment for this. I guess they don’t think I’m a real human like everyone else.
So today, on Thanksgiving, it’s hard to be thankful. It’s hard to get past what feels like a big hole in my life that everyone seems to think isn’t there. Yet they are all paired up with someone special.
Because of all of this I truly do wonder if I am a real person, with a real life.
I guess I’ll go eat dinner now.